cloaked

my patients come up with some great lines - ones i never want to forget. sometimes i scribble them in the margins of my other notes. i flip through my notepad now and can see the timeline - the day the mouth sores started, the day they got worse, the day she couldn't swallow. mixed in are her reflections on her young body failing her, on visiting family for the last time, on how good he feels some days. it's the same notepad i use for the rest of my life. i don't consolidate intentionally, i just have to write things down the moment i think of them and have to use the closest piece of paper. once a month or so, when the pad is filled up i transcribe everything i need, shred the pad, and start a new one. last month's is some combination of abstract art, ADD, and schizophrenia. any given block of pages reads something like this:

mouth sores - grade 2 - magic mouthwash - ? pain meds
rash worse - doxycycline
"long kiss good-bye"
orthodontist - write check
limes, cilantro, black beans, avocados, dish detergent, something chocolate
"accepting what's happening feels too much like giving up"
field trip money - due tomorrow

nausea worse in am - vomited pills x2 days - ? pre-med - get script
"embrace the suck"
**holiday concert** - send in form - friday last day
"sometimes i think i'll be a better mother from heaven"
pasta, tomatoes, sardines, oranges, coffee, kleenex, cilantro

and on and on...their progress or decline and beautiful, wise quotes, interspersed with my daily tasks and reminders and grocery lists and attempts to manage a household with a husband and three sons. there's a plethora of check boxes and asterisks. there's a lot of lists. i seem to need cilantro a lot.

when i see it all in print it sheds a little light on my heightened emotions and general stress level. my mother-in-law gave me a 'stress-relieving cloak' for christmas. i am not even kidding. you microwave this pad and slip it inside a black, fleece, oddly-shaped garment with no arm holes and a hem-line that hits mid calf. it stressed me out just attempting to try it on. i don't know why she thinks i need that - i mean it's not like she ever sees me overwhelmed or acting like a bitch or looking like hell or hand-delivering some check i forgot to mail in or running out at night because there's no food in the house or announcing way too loudly that someone with a penis needs to clean the downstairs bathroom.

i am sure my dog will bark at me the entire time i'm wearing it, so i guess i'll have to wear it only at work. i'll be the oncology nurse dressed as a sinister character from a fairy tale. but i will have no stress.